I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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