dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
