If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
