Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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