I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
