Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
