After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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