my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
