The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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