If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.