I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
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hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
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They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial