When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
