Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
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