update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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