I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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