you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
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