the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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