My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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