My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
