Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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