Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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