I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
