My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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