Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
