Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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