I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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