All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
