You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
