I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
