you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
What changed your mind?
Being sober
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
