I haven't been this sober since birth.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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