So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
