Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
