Please don't use social media to get back at me.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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