Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
It's official drugs can't kill me
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
