I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Come on in and take your pants off
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