I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
