My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Randomize
