Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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