A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
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I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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