Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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