wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
