So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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