I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
