I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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