Dude my mom stole all your condoms
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
