I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
