found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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