I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
