you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
