shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Randomize
