he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
