Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
