Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
MIDGETS
????
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
