please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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