im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
