so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
