I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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